Tuesday, March 22, 2016

Stupid Product: the Sneeve

If you wondered whether this product was invested by Dr. Seuss, then you're on the right track. The Sneeve. It's a mashup between snot, sleeve and sneeze.

They do such a good job describing it, I'll quote them:

"It’s a soft, stretchy and absorbent disposable sleeve that is worn on the crook of the arms of kids 3-8 years old. It catches the goo and gook from a cold, and destroys 99.9% of the cold’s bacteria, virus and germs on contact."

So basically it's an Ace bandage for your elbow that catches the snot, and destroys all germs? How is that possible?

"Each disposable Sneeve will last most kids for a full day, absorbing phlegm and mucus and protecting clothing from becoming a germy landing pad.

The kid is supposed to wear this thing all day? Like you wipe your snotty nose with a tissue or sneeze goop from your throat onto the Sneeve, and then leave it exposed all day, where others can brush against it? How does that thing absorb mucus and said mucus doesn't get on the clothes underneath or wipe off onto the shirt of a passerby? 

They offered to send me samples, but my kids wouldn't be caught dead wearing this thing.



Wednesday, December 16, 2015

Snooki & JWOWW's Disgusting Cranberry Cocktail Recipe

Sometimes I get a press release and it makes me feel sorry for the PR person. I'm assuming that the PR person got stuck sending out a press release that's beneath them, to please the client. This is one of those cases.

Today's press release had the subject line: Snooki & JWOWW Share Tips for Stress-Free Holidays for Moms

Because what person in their right mind would actually write that sentence? What mom would take holiday destressing advice from Snooki and JWOWW (I'm assuming that's actually how she spells her name mash-up)? To matters worse, most of the press release consists of make-up tips from celebrity stylists and make-up artists (who aren't Snooki or JWOWW), like wearing bronzer to brighten your smile. Now this is where I start wondering if the PR person did her homework. Has she read my blog? When have I ever talked about make-up?

The worst part of this press release is the cocktail recipe provided, not sure whose creation this was, but they should be fired. This thing sounds disgusting. But I'll share it with you in case you feel like barfing.



Leftover Cranberry Vodka recipe (for moms) 
Ice
2-3 scoops cranberry sauce
2 oz vodka
2 oz cranberry juice

Photos available on request (I should request those!)

There are no mixing instructions. Not sure if this all goes into a blender, or is served over the ice. As in, scoop cranberry sauce from a can, pour vodka on top and stick a straw in it? Mix it up with a spoon after adding the juice? What if the cranberry sauce is chunky? No matter how you make it this cocktail, please leave out the cranberry sauce.

And so if it's true that any press is good press, you're welcome PR person. You can now share with your client that Snooki and JWOWW (and the unnamed celebrity stylists) got placement on Stupid Products. #Success #Winning #AllPRisGoodPR

Photo courtesy of Flickr/Mr. TinDC

Wednesday, November 5, 2014

Stupid Holiday Catalogs Items

Though I try to unsubscribe (save the world! Too much junk!) I still do get some retail catalogs. The latest was a newspaper advertiser for the Christmas Tree Store, which is a HORRIBLE name for a store that sells things all year (not all Christmasy). It's kind of a junky place, but you can find some good stuff there too.

Here's what caught my eye:

 Lower your IQ by 50 points wearing these ridiculous turkey hats at the Thanksgiving table. Plus you'll be so embarrassed, you won't be able to look at each other while eating.

If you can't afford nicer folding chairs, that's okay (hey, I have some that look just like this, not judging). Make them look even WORSE by buying these $5 bows that attach to your chair to make it even more obvious that you have no taste. And bonus points for guessing how long they'll stay up after you lean back in your chair.
Because everyone needs a wine cork holder in the letters S & M. Only popular letters available. Like S & M.

Tuesday, January 28, 2014

True Love Tester Bra

You know how horrible it is when you're at a bar, or on a date, and the guy you're not interested in tries to take off your bra? Yeah, happens all the time. Well now you can buy the True Love Tester bra, which uses Bluetooth connected to your smart phone app, to detect your heart rate. If your heart rate is up, it MUST BE LOVE and that bra will snap open without you having to do anything.

If not, it remains locked like a chastity belt.

Watch a hilarious video about how it works here.

Nope! Won't open for for this jerk. Why is she standing there in her bra just looking at her boobs? If she doesn't want the guy to remove her bra, she should leave.

Not surprisingly, this Ravijour bra is not actually for sale, is a promotional gimmick for the lingerie company to promote its 10th anniversary. Or something.

Nakation Starter Kit

So my writer friends wanted to share their good fortune in getting a press release like this. I'm not sure how I avoided getting on this list! It's the Nakation Starter Kit. You know, because when you go on a nude vacation, you need some help with things to bring along. Like no clothes.

Just in time for those who are figuring out what to get their sweetheart for Valentine's Day (flowers and chocolate is so last year), the kind folks from the American Association for Nude Recration have the perfect solution for you: help in getting ready for your Naked Vacation. "Vacationing in the nude - the nakation - is the natural choice." Of course!
"When clothes come off, so do many of the mental cues that tie us to our everyday cares, according the American Association of Nude Recreation (AANR), the rights and advocacy group for nudism in United States. Nakationing frees the spirit and enhances the senses. AANR members say a couple nights at a clothes-free resort or campground is as restful as a traditional weeklong vacation."

Okay stop right there. A couple nights at a clothes-free resort or campground would send me to a mental institution for stress reduction, and would not be as restful as a traditional week-long vacation. What are they smoking? I don't need trees at the campground dropping sap on my uh, pine cones. I don't need strangers constantly oogling my perfectly formed ass (okay, I'm giving myself a little too much credit here). 

I've seen plenty of nude runners at the Bay to Breakers. They made me want to run faster to get away from them. (If my daughter is reading this post, do not click on that link or you'll be grounded and I'll take your computer away. Until you're 18. Then you can click on the link.)
If you're wondering where one might take a nakation where the starter kit would come in handy, "Options for nude recreation abound." Nude resorts, campgrounds, cruises, charter flights and boating excursions, beaches and restaurants, to name a few. Uh, back up. Charter flights? Because it's bad enough you have to sit on an airplane. You want to do it naked on your little towel? And brush up against people as you go to the smelly bathroom? And let your privates hang over into the crammed rows while you get out of the way for the drink cart? That sounds like hell. 

"If you and your loved one are thinking about giving clothes-free travel a try but don’t know where to begin, AANR has the answer in its new Nakation Starter Kit." Yeah, because it's really hard to buy a little towel to sit on. (In case you're wondering how I know about the towel - it's from reading David Sedaris).

Okay, so the kit comes with the "bare essentials" (ha ha! get the pun???). That includes:
--a beautiful 'tie one on' sarong (no comment)
--official AANR sunglasses (is it just me, or do they look like they come from Oriental Trading Company?). 
--logo SPF-15 sunscreen in single application packets (because you have no pockets to carry the tube? Plus, if I'm completely nude, I'm going to need a lot more than a single application packet to cover my entire pasty white body). 
--a plush nakation tush towel (I also want one to protect me from others' vajay jays).
--champagne flutes or wine glasses (great to bring on the plane). 
--The Naked Truth listing of nakation destinations and lifestyle tips nudists live by - a must read for first-timers (does it talk about how to buy a house while nude?).
--the North American Guide to Nude Recreation color brochure (are there pictures?)
--"Feel the Freedom” tee shirt to wear in anticipation of your tri(do you wear this around the house, or only in public?)
--two-year AANR membership (FYI, 2 year individual membership is $101, so you're paying $48 for that damn t-shirt, lotion, Oriental Trading Company glasses and an ass-wipe).

But WAIT! There's MORE! It comes with "an attractive keepsake box you can personalize. It makes a perfect conversation piece. When friends ask, “Did you really?” your kit is proof positive that yes, you really did."

All this for the low price of $149.99 plus TAX.

Okay, I had to also comment on their survey, of U.S. households with incomes of $50,000+, that said 17% of adult American view a visit to a nude or clothing-optional resort as extremely or very desirable. Uh, okay. There are twice as many male nudists as females. Is that a shock?

Thursday, September 12, 2013

Stupid press release: dating site donates HUNDREDS of dollars

Sometimes press releases drive me nuts. Okay, often. Here's one I just received and I was compelled to write back. Names redacted to protect the stupid. All grammatical and spelling errors are left in tact.
"(Owners of dating service)  are extending their mission beyong the real romance in online dating through their charitable donations to orphanage organization, educational institution, medical group, and different foundations. 
With members coming from thirty different countries, to be a true force for change and integrity is part of the mission of (dating site, who McAfee says is dangerous and I shouldn't click, and whose female dates are Christian and Asian).
They have magnanimously donated hundreds of dollars to community groups to help less fortunate individuals improve their lives.
They would be happy to set up an exclusive interview with you as someone who has showned interest in the human side of the dating industry." 
Man, it's so bad they're tempting me like this. I haven't had a good rant in awhile. so I let loose and emailed them this. I made sure to copy both the company press contact, and the PR agency who wrote it. Let's see if they respond! (follow up note - they didn't)
My response:
(PR person whose name is on the press release): maybe you can advise your clients that instead of just donating hundreds of dollars to the less fortunate ("magnanimously donated hundreds of dollars to community groups to help less fortunate individuals improve their lives") they can use the money they spend on PR to help others instead. It's a little silly to send out a press release about a company donating HUNDREDS of dollars - especially magnanimously. Is there another way to give other than trying to be kind and helpful?

It's great to donate money, but divide hundreds of dollars by the number of recipients (medical institutions, orphanages, educational institutions and other foundations), the money doesn't go too far. Any donations are good. They just don't all merit a press release. That's not magnanimous, that's just self-interested.

And for the record, I'm not "someone who has showned interest in the human side of the dating industry." Perhaps you have my work mixed up with someone else's. I don't write about the dating industry. 

Also, given the number of typos and incorrect grammatical statements in your press release, your client should consider firing you.

All the best, Debbie

Thursday, August 22, 2013

Stupid Product: Poo-Pourri

Sometimes a product comes along that may be effective, but its name is so awful one can't imagine actually purchasing it or having it in the house. That product is Poo-Pourri. Yes, its onomatopoeia - its name effectively tells you what it is without you having to look it up.

But look it up you do. With a no-follow link. No link juice for you Poo-Pourri!

They MUST have a sense of humor, because their products have names like "Sh*ttin Pretty," "Party Pooper," "Secret Santa," "Potty Mouth," "Deja Poo," "Crap Shooter," "Poo-Tonium," "Trap a Crap," "No. 2," "Call of the Wild," and the list goes on. And on. And on. Like some really long poops after you've had a lot of fiber.

Many of my blogging friends have been inundated with annoying and persistent emails glorious offers to conduct a giveaway. What, Poo-Pourri, no offers for Stupid Products? Oh yeah, we don't do giveaways.

Given the relentless number of emails the bloggers have been receiving, "I had this image of this recent college grad, marketing major, hitting "send all" and then going right to monster.com to look for a new job," said Vacation Gal Jen Miner (that's a "do follow" link, by the way).

Jen sent me the press release from her email's trash bin. "I call that scent Fecal Attraction," she said, possibly earning herself an interview to be their new scent namer.

These bloggers may be passing up a great opportunity, though. Reviews on the website often come with quotes from people with actual names and cities. Do these people not know about their internet history living on FOREVER? They really want to go on the record talking about how their shit no longer smells?

"You have changed my life! I am no longer uncomfortable using a public bathroom." Nicole Tomlinson, Jacksonville Beach, FL

"I love and live for your products!" -Serena Hickes